Driving home from La Cantera, highway signs flashed, "CAUTION: WRONG WAY DRIVER REPORTED." They didn't say get off the highway and I couldn't see headlights coming toward me. I cowered behind a semi, trying to decide if I should take the side streets. A few miles later, flashing police cars surrounded a vehicle smashed against the middle rail.
This, after seeing TAR, a disturbing film about a brilliant conductor whose life implodes as past misdeeds come back to haunt her. Something about it unhinged me - sending my mind into a cascade of fears. I felt the depth of my isolation, potential insanity, and fear of not being strong enough for this world.
Luckily a friend was with me and after the film we talked over tea, sharing stories of parents with neuroses similar to that of the conductor - adults who could not love us wholly, leaving us to fend for ourselves in crucial matters. Identifying the possible trigger in the presence of an understanding person helped quell my alarm.
---------------------------------------
This morning, waking with anxiety at the recollection of scenes from the movie, I remember the Buddhist approach to looking at ourselves. It is the same way we are taught to view the world: with awareness and compassion. Whatever we find is part of the human experience.
If I focus on my body I notice a nagging hunger, tightness around the heart, tension in thighs and upper arms, pressure at the back of the throat. And then I can be with that. And just breathe.
I have to realize - and make a decision - that I am my own best friend. Only I can know and express what is truly happening within, which is both my cross to bear and my gift to the world.
My source of strength is the universe of which we are comprised and where wisdom resides. Buddhism remind me how to come back to myself, and reconnect with the sanity that is there.
Yorumlar