Mural at South Flores and Furnish Streets, San Antonio.
The ideal of warriorship is that the warrior should be sad and tender, and because of that, the warrior can be very brave as well. CHOGYAM TRUNGPA
In this morning's meditation group, we contemplated courage - courage as basic openness to be where we are, accepting our situation, karma, mental states, and all.
We discussed how courage in this context means staying put even when staying is not comfortable, when all we want is to escape the present moment. And how not running, but simply abiding, can allow us to be present for pain, joy, irony, and the many mysteries of life.
In the introduction to "Sacred World," author Jeremy Hayward, student and friend of Chogyam Trungpa, expands upon warriorship:
To be a warrior...is to dare to live genuinely, even in the face of obstacles like fear, doubt, depression, and external aggression... having the courage to know who you are through and through... Warriors never give up on anyone, including themselves.
I've considered myself a warrior for as long as I've had to work a job, determined to make ends meet, getting out of bed while dreading the day ahead. But with today's contemplation, I understood compassion is needed - a gentleness supporting the bravery - that helps us find ourselves and our way.
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I meditate to give myself respite from waves of thought and emotion that can carry me away - to remember that I am not the waves. Thich Nhat Hanh in The Birth of Understanding from "Going Home" says,
The wave is aware that she is made of...water... It is very important for her to touch the water, the foundation of her being.
When I am unable to touch my foundation, my connection to others feels tenuous - and vice versa; when I do not feel a genuine kindness - from friends, acquaintances, or even people on the street - it is challenging to be one with the water I am made of.
After our Zoom meditation group's contemplation today I confessed that I did not expect to be where I am at this stage of life. I don't know where I expected to be, but this definitely is not it. I was supposed to grow up! At least have a husband and money in the bank. Things to make up for aging, losing my looks, and becoming less relevant in our society.
Maybe I just have to be compassionately present with these realities. This is what aging looks like, to me, right now. And yet, I know somewhere in there is an energy I can rely on. As Jeremy Hayward goes on to say,
Whether you believe yourself to be good or bad, whether you are happy or depressed, young or old, neurotic or sane, as an authentic warrior you recognize the inherent basic goodness that is more profound and enduring than all of these ephemeral ups and downs.
I've been told - and I believe - that the undercurrent of anxiety in my belly is simply energy, and can be harnessed for the good. I find this tremendously cheering.
This evening after a gorgeous day full of solitude, disappointment, tasks, and learning, I am just a little closer to letting go of my desires.
Mural photo by the author
Waves by Pete Linforth from Pixabay
Woman image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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