This Morning

How to embrace the moment of waking each day is much debated and opined on because it can be so fraught with remembrances, regrets and fear.

This morning as I pad about my tiny house in the predawn, eating a little jar of refrigerator oats, sipping earl grey tea, and reading the beginning of "My Life" by Golda Meir, I consider my state of mind.

I did not wake with dread at least. It is Sunday and my routine is more relaxed. My waking sadness is of longing. I believe it is for a companion, someone to share my life. And yet, could that someone just be me?

Every chance at love, each lunch, dinner, coffee, walk, chat, or telephone conversation with a potential suitor is an opportunity is it not? I try to reason why love eludes me, why I have not found a compatible companion since divorcing seven years ago. What qualities or lack thereof make a satisfying relationship out of reach?

As a Buddhist I know whatever is happening (or not happening) was determined by multiple causes and conditions, some self-created, others not.

However my current circumstances have arisen, I find myself with two significant challenges as I approach retirement and old age. One, of course, is being single, and the other is no money in the bank. The causes and conditions for the latter were largely created by my inability to choose partners wisely.

The result is increased insecurity at a vulnerable time of life. Poverty and loneliness may be the universal scourges of old age and I've been given the opportunity to experience them first hand. I can curse or thank the gods for this opportunity. But what will I do with it?