The day began peacefully with meditation, a yoga class, preparing the turkey, and a walk with the dog where I talked with a friend on my cell. But by the time I got home, an edge had developed. The walk was lonely - didn't see a soul as I passed the hulking, graffitied old brewery with it's gaping doors and torn fencing where the junkies enter. It set the tone for the slide down a familiar abyss.
As I cut rosemary for the turkey, a constricting of the heart began, severing my tenuous connection with well being. I fretted that the man I've been talking to had lost interest, that I wasn't spending the holiday in the midst of a big, happy family, that I'd screwed up my life by not creating the warm scene with loving partner where I was supposed to be.
Just then I received a text with a playlist of top 50 Latin classics and I happily put it on to cheer me as I grated orange rind for the cranberry sauce. The welcome intrusion of music was brief however as I realized the songs were new "classics" or versions of classics that made the music I love unfamiliar. I switched to a Latin playlist from the 80's which touched my heart, but the memories it brought increased my funk.
When the downhill slide begins, all that occurs gets co-opted and distorted by my brain to further the descent. By the time the first guests arrived, homemade food in hand, I was distraught. But, even though these were family who I dearly love, I was unable to share my despair. It was a happy occasion, a gathering to share love and gratitude.
I watched my guests eat and chat and generally seem to have a good time, all the while having a quiet mental breakdown, convinced I was doing everything wrong. Sadly, this is normal for me. I forget I am allowed to have flaws and feelings, that by virtue of being human, I am imperfect. This depression that tells me I can't handle the world, keeps me from relaxing, from being my warm funny self, and certainly doesn't put anyone at ease.
So here I am at 5am, trying to put an end to this self torture. Hoping that by writing and sharing, and finding some self-compassion I will exorcise these demons.
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