So many lonely men. Talking men. "You're prettier than your pictures" men, guitar playing, drinking, overweight, defensive, expansive, serious, bi-lingual, smiling, randy, sometimes handsome men. And yet...
I haven't found my prince. Each time I become encouraged, anticipate a date, ready myself to accept this person for who he is - because all I need is one good man, right? - a hard stop materializes. He is 50 pounds heavier than his photos, is intolerant and without humor, is 5'5", is addicted, is provincial and small minded.
Often the physically challenged (short, fat, ugly) are the most intelligent and kind. The tall, handsome, and overly educated, the most foolish. The white haired gents with accumulated wealth let it be known they offer security...in return for what?
As a Buddhist, I suspect my quest for a man is a kind of grasping, a human trait that causes us to remain in samsaric suffering. Nevertheless, I keep trying. But now with a sense of humor and patience, at least!
Lying in bed I imagine a man who embodies the qualities I seek: tall and strong, warm and compassionate, funny and tender, hardworking and helpful. A man I can trust with my secrets and be proud to date.
--------------------------
Meanwhile, my financial situation has become a challenge. My career trajectory, which evolved from non-existent to creative to impressive, began reversing its course with husband number two. The hard earned assets I invested in him, his family, and our business are not so easily restored.
The reality of my circumstances sunk in last week at the social security office. I awoke next morning with clarity and determination to use my mind - while still intact - to remedy the situation. As tempting as it may seem, self-respect demands I discard any thought of father, son, or future husband subsidizing me.
-------------------------------
I do not want to obligate myself to the one who pays.
And I won't. Something changed this month after I took my Refuge Vows - making a commitment to the Buddhist path, or, as our preceptor said, an investment in basic sanity.
Call it spontaneous transmission or what you will, after taking the vows, I am sharper than ever, imbued with equilibrium, and equal to the task of benevolent warriorship.
I seek my Warrior counterpart.
Comments