This creature came to visit the other day, resting on the glass of a painting above my desk. She graciously allowed me to photograph her.
The quote in this morning's meditation group was by Reyna Biddy:
If you gotta force it, just leave it alone. Relationships, friendships, ponytails.. Just leave it.
The discussion went from letting things go, to letting things fall apart, to sitting with things that have fallen apart. Which was exactly what I had been contemplating while walking earlier in the coldness beside the river.
I was fortifying myself - as I sometimes do - remembering the experience of a friend who a few years ago was on the outs with her husband, wasn't being treated well at work, and who's son's mother-in-law was monopolizing the granddaughters. She talked to me about these problems, considering what she might do to change her situation, but was unable to find a better job, make a decision about the marriage, or do anything whatsoever about the other grandmother. She stayed where she was, managing the best way she knew how, and somehow a transformation occurred: she now has a new office, title, and salary; she and her husband are enjoying each other's company; and her son and daughter-in-law moved away from the meddling mother-in-law.
Apparently, acceptance of what is, is the key to peace. Not to say things always resolve for the best - they don't. But they always change, that much is certain. So why not be cheerful while observing the transformation? We can be cheerful because we are part of the great wheel of life, and we have been born as humans, allowing us a chance to wake up. Why don't we learn these basic laws of being in elementary school?
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Applying cheerfulness and the prospect of waking up to dating at 62 is a great experiment, especially when meeting men online. Here are some things I have learned from five years of dating app experimentation...
It's good to compare a handful of sites (ideally without paying) to see which are best for you. My latest handful:
Bumble: Days, weeks may go by without anyone worthy appearing, but every so often true gems appear.
eHarmony: Lots of boring guys, many with no photos, AND you have to pay to chat. But I've found a few with potential...two pending dates.
Hinge: The worst. There is absolutely no one in SA for me. Account deleted.
Tinder: Where the guys are! How 100 new profiles can materialize daily is a mystery, but the sheer numbers up the odds.
It's good to have many conversations going so as not to become disheartened by the crazy and disillusioned.
Reasons to swipe left:
Anyone who says he is uncomplicated or drama-free is lying, ignorant, or very boring.
A man who finds it necessary to bad mouth women who "play games" is gullible, jealous and insecure.
Look for men who can spell, avoid cliches, and demonstrate self-awareness, i.e. swipe left on those seeking "a partner in crime," brag they have been to 51 countries, or ingratiate by stating they are as comfortable in jeans as a tux.
Above all do not connect with anyone who says they are in a loving open marriage. Unless you just want to invite problems.
Luckily there are 101 reasons to swipe left, making it easier to select those with merit.
Make sure your profile mirrors what you want, i.e. originality, good photos, basics of what you seek without listing a bunch of qualities that will make a guy insecure, no complaints about men in general or your bad experiences with them. There should be a high school class on this.
To lie about one's age or not? I have been honest on all but one where I made myself 10 years younger. Is that why I have so many matches on Tinder?
Ask guys about their experiences on these sites - I think it may be worse for them.
And so, as I traverse this new world, accepting it for what it is, I aspire to touch down as gracefully as the creature on the glass.
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