Thank you Bill Hicks (1961-1994)
This is Jazzland, failed amusement park, built on the swampy bog of New Orleans East, where I cavorted on opening night (May 20, 2000) because I worked for Mayor Morial. It was destroyed by Katrina in 2005.
Truth is, all my posts about Charleston are really about New Orleans. I try to be anonymous, but I can't really talk about the pathos of Charleston. I'm sure it exists, but that of New Orleans is beyond bounds. Once we finally sell our restaurant, I will tell it's story too.
Today I contemplated my failed second marriage and acknowledged - despite everything - husband no. 2 is the love of my life. He is the one person who will always be there for me. Despite so many misguided interactions - the ridiculous drama of our married life - what stays with me is our connection.
Here is what he sent after a recent conversation...
You know Boni, I admire you on so many levels, you have been able to defeat the impossible, I remember you told me when you were a child and weren’t able to walk well, your cancer, our separations, I don’t know but you are surviving and doing well for yourself and always trying to help the others. Your intelligence and heart has no parallel and forever I’m grateful that you are still are part of my life.
Truth is, we are both gifted misfits. Misfits with smarts and big hearts, but outsiders all the same - neither of us able to blend seamlessly into society. He can be brash and arrogant, and I, I shy and awkward. I've long thought he was bi-polar and now I wonder if I am too.
Here is what I might say to him at any given moment...
Diego,
I've been living in a netherworld since our divorce, feeling torn from my roots, and the pain does not go away. Last night I watched a movie and at the end the protagonist says of his ex, "It's been such a long ride, there is no goodbye."
I assumed it was goodbye for us when I divorced you for abuse and lack of attention. I imagined I would eventually meet the person with whom life would be sane and my needs would be met.
Six years and a handful of short-term boyfriends later, none of whom really rocked me, contrasted with our visits where I always feel loved and protected, I realize we will always be connected. The tenacity of our love surprises and inspires.
Now I am less concerned with my needs being met than being with the person who is my home.
Maybe we were drawn together to change the world. No one knows how the seeds they sow will blossom, especially when fertilized by love.
And we have changed. Those characteristics that rankled me, your devil-may-care money management, critical views of others, arrogance, unfair requests, have softened. You are willing to look at things another way. Your gratitude is expansive, you exhibit kindness and humility, you listen.
The things I love about you are not easily found in - or understood by - others: your sphinx-like patience; reliably inventive solutions to impossible situations, unshakable sense of priorities; a vast creative intellect fed by art, music, and a voracious appetite for knowledge; the ability to see and acknowledge others' gifts; and a childlike joy. You have encouraged me and been my champion always.
I wonder if you would commit to me once again, to let go of New Orleans and all that is there? Come home so we can support each other, make every day a quiet (or not so quiet) adventure. I would need to mind my boundaries so as not to get lost in your world, but I think that is possible.
Can we let love find a way, and enjoy the ride together?
Bonita
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