I haven't tried it yet. The credit card system at the CBD boutique had gone down, so I picked up this cookie for cash at the neighborhood parlor. I interrupted the young owner and his friend sampling the wares mid-store. I focused on his fancy two-tone creepers as he floated to the counter. The scanty inventory did not include the elusive gummies I sought, so we determined the cookie was my best bet. "Just start with a tiny bit," he said. But I'm a wimp.
The weeks leading to my 63rd birthday exhibited a mind in flux: powerful mood swings led to fear and a resurgence of despair I hadn't felt in years. I was grateful to see my sister, who has suffered her own emotional roller coaster, and now helps others with body work and spiritual healing.
My therapist asked me if I had suicidal ideations. Apparently that means thoughts. Well of course. That's the worst, when I know I can't die because of the harm it would do others and yet living - in those moments - feels unbearable.
There are the usual treatments: talk therapy and anti-depressants. Anti-depressants have side effects, are unpredictable, and stop working as soon as you stop using them. Other options suggested: microdosing cbd / thc edibles; ketamine (psychedelic therapy), transcranial magnetic stimulation. AND, of course, meditation!
In October 2018, Boston Evening Therapy published an article documenting that meditation can disrupt depressive brain patterns:
Harvard neuroscientist Gaëlle Desbordes demonstrated that changes in brain activity in subjects who have learned to meditate hold steady even when they’re not meditating. Desbordes took before-and-after scans of subjects who learned to meditate over the course of two months, including when they were performing everyday tasks.
The scans detected changes in brain activation patterns from the beginning to the end of the study, the first time such a change has been detected. The change was in the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved with experiencing emotions.
A year after this article posted I revived my practice at a local Buddhist meditation center. Despite the recent seasonal and situational downturn, I do believe I'm on the path to a better place.
In January I will take my refuge vow - committing myself to Buddhism by taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. The Buddha is the example, the Dharma is truth or path, and the Sangha is the community of practitioners who support one another with honesty and compassion.
I've yet to experience the complete wide-openness of meditation - that place of emptiness where I am not my thoughts, looks, or personality - the true Wonderland, where I am a piece of the universe looking back out. But I will.
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