NOTE: I wrote this almost a month ago but just realized I never published it...
There is nothing so satisfying or quietly thrilling as trusting one's inner guide and stepping into the unknown. In fact it seems essential for the successful completion of this life.
I've often felt behind schedule. Employers, acquaintances, and even partners set off silent alarms as they take up precious time.
It is curious to have this body, these desires, these interactions and reactions, while knowing I am simply a piece of the cosmos that has arisen in a shape and composition that requires my response.
My response must be worthy. I wouldn't have been able to put that into words until this very moment. I must respond to being given this life in a way that honors the vast mystery and beauty of the universe. And how does one do that?
I've been searching for my path as long as I remember. And now that it has come into my consciousness, I see how the circuitous route of my life has brought me here.
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. Rumi
As I begin to perceive the wide openness in and before me, fear causes me to pause. I deviate, creating diversions for a mind not ready to completely dive in. I'm afraid to let go of my samsaric existence because it is all I know. Also, I'm beginning to enjoy being who I am.
Living alone the last eight years has provided a canvas free of someone else's wants and needs. It's been a laboratory for dealing with lifelong melancholia, a space that accommodates the ups and downs.
The latest experiment is not in my own space however. The administering psychiatrist likened it to jumping a battery. By stimulating nerve cells involved in mood control and depression, theta waves re-energize portions of the brain debilitated from long-term dysthymia. After two weeks of daily treatments, those parts should be humming along, no more jump starts needed.
And then there's my new attitude re doing what I want. I think I'm allowed to date more than one man, keep some secrets, dance if I feel like it, play hooky from work from time to time. My muse is calling me. My muse can be frivolous, but isn't frivolity a precious quality? I think it is, especially if it brings joy and respects others.
May we never be separated from joy.
Today I signed out of an online dharma talk, midway. The Western intellectuals steeped in dharma seemed inane - so smart and yet their striving was a turnoff. I was always taught to see things through, but sometimes the best thing to do is move on, without regret.
Efficiency in movement, thought, action, and contact seem necessary now to achieve my goal of fearlessness.
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